An early morning visit to the refuge this morning to drop off some clothes, and as I listened to the women’s early morning talk – greeting each other with “Morning, Sissy!”  as they got up and came into the kitchen to see me – I started thinking about one of the things I know most about this place, and the women who inhabit it, briefly or for a long time. There are tensions occasionally,  different personalities rubbing up against each other in such a small house with so many kids in the mix, but by and large, there is real comradeship.

Quite often, there is a combination of women in the house, mostly who have been there a while, and they form really special relationships. At the moment, there is just such a dynamic. Four women, most of them closed off when they arrived, who have bonded into a family. A safe family, a loving family. They look out for each other, and they have each other’s backs.

There’s a few ways this manifests but let me tell you about a couple of them.

One of the women recently fell into a funk. She wouldn’t come out of her room when I arrived, the others expressed concern about her. This is a woman I know reasonably well for a number of reasons. She and I are very fond of each other, and I have had a part to play in her life outside the refuge. So I was more worried than usual, and asked the other women to keep an eye out and text me if they were too worried, and to tell Kris of their concerns.  When I saw her a couple of days ago, she was back out of her room, on the laptop, looking for jobs and taking a keen interest in life, again. When I asked her what has happening for her, she said she’d been down but now she was okay. “Big up to The Sisters”, she said “propping me up, supporting me. They have my back.” She’s always been really motivated, but always a loner somewhat. So this is huge for her. To have the love and support of the women in the house, their trust, means a great deal to her, I know.

Another way this sisterhood manifests is one word: motivation. A wee while ago, one of the women started on a health buzz, as she calls it. 100 days of squats and ab exercises. I gave her a bit of help with squat technique, lapsed gym goer that I am, and that was that. The next thing I know, they’re all going to the gym, doing exercise, going for runs. And then, looking for jobs. Because after their programmes, they told me they sit around and so they had a discussion and decided it was no good doing that. They needed to keep active, and to get busy. Be productive. So three of them are looking for job proactively. They’ve discovered networking – asking everyone they know to ask their contacts if there’s any work going, that sort of thing. Difficult to do from a refuge, but they’re doing it. These particular women are safe going out and about, so they go to the mall and ask in all the shops, they look on seek.co.nz, and they schmooze. Amazing. And all because they’re sisters, and they’re in this together.

You know, there is often discussion about feminism and how it looks to women such as the ones I know through my work, and at refuge. Women who often have no money, no resources and are too busy for all that stuff.

But the fact is, they are feminists. They do sisterhood every day. They lift each other up, support each other in all their endeavours, keep an eye out for each other, and they are growing in their own power. Take away all the theory – not that theory is bad, it’s just that who has time to read it, even if I have made them aware of it – and this is what it looks like, at base, to me. Women supporting other women.  And that’s magic.

 

Today was a watershed day.  A few days ago, we crossed the $10,000 threshold on our givealittle page.  https://givealittle.co.nz/cause/aunties

I didn’t notice until today. For shame. However, when I reached the page, I had to look twice to make sure that what I was seeing was accurate. And yes, it was. I immediately burst into tears. And I want you to know why, and who has done this.

If you go to the givealittle page, there is a precis of what it’s for. To feed the women in refuge. and their kids. They pay board, and they pay for their own food, and as I’ve said before, us being able to do this for them means we remove some basic worries, and free them up to do the thinking and being they need to, to be okay in their lives.

All that money goes to food shopping. Not one cent of it is for anything else. No admin costs, no extra hidden costs. Just food. For the women.

Some of you may know the genesis of this, but it bears repeating.

In December 2013, I went to refuge to drop something off and for the first time opened the pantry doors. My jaw dropped. It was pitiful, and there and then I knew that I had to do something about it. All of what the Aunties do for the women is meaningful, but I have come to learn that nothing is more meaningful to them than food, and the provision of it by strangers, represented by me, they know have their backs.  They don’t expect it, they are always blown away and a bit confused as to the why, and they always know what it means.

The person who really makes this all happen is Vicky Rawhiti Forbes. Not only is she one of my closest friends, she is also the creator of our givealittle page, and the shopping/distribution planner. I tend to go through life thinking everything will be okay in the end, that it will all work out, and it usually does to an extent. But without Vicky, none of this would work. She knows what’s important and keeps me grounded.

So far, since August,  we have done two shopping trips and a huge Xmas shop. We are refining processes and learning as we go.

That we can’t pack the food boxes at refuge, what foods are most needed, how many people we need for each shop, what distribution has to look like. We have learned how much an average spend will be, and we have consulted the women and the refuge coordinator on all aspects.

You have to know that the first time was horrendous – the shopping is the easy, fun bit. It’s no hassle at all.  The distribution has created a few headaches, and we’re always aware of fairness, and what counts most. It is best, we have found, to pack at the supermarket, and to have the tubs ready when we get to refuge so that it doesn’t all come across too much like a food bank. Which are sadly necessary, but ultimately humiliating for the recipient.  The food we provide is enough to last them a week or more, but not much more. It’s a start, far more than I dreamed of, realistically, and we try to stretch it as far as we can.

So here we are.  Enough money, in the bank account we have set up for this express purpose, to keep us going for the next wee while. But bearing in mind how much we spend on each shop – over $800 for 5 families – that doesn’t go too far for too long. We still need your help, we always need your help. We can do nothing without your help.

And so to today. I was completely overcome. So overwhelmed.  The refuge is a huge part of me, of my life. There aren’t many days I’m not doing some sort of refuge business. But this bit? The food bit? That’s my dream. And I have a bigger dream. Not only to keep on doing this, but to get us to a place where we are providing most of the women’s food.  It may prove to be impossible, but I will keep on trying. Because this is incredibly important to me. And I can never ever express how thankful I am to Vicky, and to all of you who put money in our food account, and all of you who give us money via givealittle.

Because my big dream gets one step closer. Seems more possible. I have never talked about this bigger dream before, to anyone. It sits in my heart all the time, just quietly. Every time I visit refuge, I imagine it. Every time I listen to one of the women talking to me about her life, I smile secretly. It’s been my secret for a while. Quite a long while. And I disclose it here, so that you know it. See it. Understand it.

I told the refuge coordinator about all of this, showed her the blog, and asked her if she would speak to you a little, and here is what she had to say.

“On behalf of the refuge staff and refuge women and children, we would like to thank all who have contributed and donated. Families arrive in crisis and through their journey at the refuge: courses, guidance, Gods love, and donations, their load is lighter. I have seen the difference this has made with some of them giving back to society by starting social work degrees, volunteering, returning to work and being able to love their children more from all the support they have had. I find that New Zealanders are quick to give opinions but those that do act to help in some way, help change the lives of families, one family at a time.”

Peace and blessings be to all of you. Dream makers, that’s what you are. Every single one of you.

Thank you. Words, on this day, and every day, I find so easy to say.

It’s almost February, so I’m a bit late with this post.

#refugexmas is done and dusted , the new year has started,  life has returned to some sort of routine.

But I wanted to tell you all a little about what a difference you made to the women and kids this year. 25 women, and approximately 70 kids, to be more accurate.

You need to know that for many of the kids present at the refuge xmas party, the gifts you sent for them are the only gifts they got this Xmas.

You need to know that last year, two young women arrived at refuge, terrified and withdrawn, and at #refugexmas they laughed and played like the kids  they were never able to be.

You need to know that two of the women are doing social work degrees, and that they take great heart from all the support they are given, to the extent that they have chosen a career path that will enable them to give back.

You need to know that for many of the women, the money you gave to our givealittle fund for food has enabled them to breathe a little easier.

You need to know that a woman who arrived at refuge two days before the party was overwhelmed that her children should be getting presents for xmas, when she had expected that there would be none.

And you need to know that laughter – the predominant sound at the refuge – is the language of freedom.

There are many uncertainties in my line of voluntary work. The women come and go,  I never know what’s coming and when. But there is one constant. My gratitude to all of you -strangers and friends alike, who rally around me and help me to do this.

I tried to name all of you and ended up naming none. Perhaps that is what we prefer? I’m your face, your voice, I guess. It’s why it works, all of this, and I’m okay with that.

But don’t think I could do it ever without you. Because I used to and it was unsustainable, and now here we are.

Thank you.