Author: goodeye

The holiday house

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Sometimes, I think ( I know) that the issue of domestic violence, and the work we’re doing at the Refuge, are very scary to people.  How can you help? What can you do?

Remember this: violence is scary. These women are not. They are ordinary people, like you and me. Some of them have had rough as gut lives, some of them have not. Some of them have known nothing but violence, some of them are surprised by it.

Either way, whatever way they get into Refuge, by the time they get there, they’re ready for a break. And that’s what the Refuge provides for them. A break away, a respite, a rest before they start their new lives (or in some cases, resume their old ones).

And a rest is as good as a holiday. A’s kids call the Refuge the holiday house. Because they go camping every Christmas, they associate the building and the way they’re living in it, with holiday cabins.

That’s a pretty great thought, isn’t it?

Because it kind of is like that. It’s communal living, and there’s these large grounds with big beautiful trees, and an amazing playground. There’s other kids to play with. So I guess for some of the kids it is like being on holiday (and also people give them stuff, so it’s also like Christmas quite a lot, which is pretty remarkable, you must admit.)

It’s not a scary place, and these aren’t scary people. They are brave and beautiful people finding their way through, or discovering for the first time what it’s like to have a bit of peace.

I won’t sugar coat it. Things need doing around the place, and they’re getting done, bit by bit. But overall it’s somewhere you can find a cup of tea and a sit down quite enjoyable.

It’s not exactly Club Tropicana but it’s not Colditz either. So go ahead, become an Aunty and find a bit of joy where you thought there might be none.

Just like at a holiday camp.

Inaugural #twitteraunties meeting – 15 February 2014

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Yesterday, a group of people came together to celebrate being Aunties. Not Aunties in the traditional sense. These people care about women and children they have never met. I hope to change that somewhat. That having been said it’s largely a relationship that appears to have one side.

I can assure you that it is not.  The women that are the benefactors of  your graciousness and kindness are appreciative beyond words. Every thing, every gestures, builds them up. Kris and I make sure they know that is true.

And no one is more an Aunty to these women and children than Christina Teikamata, the Refuge co-ordinator, and Karen, and Trish who work there too.  She loves her “mummies” and seeks to do all she can to provide for them whilst they are there, and when they leave she is there too.

So what we are doing is reinforcing Christina’s efforts. Providing an invaluable base of support and resources, from which she can draw when needed. (Which is every day).

And so to last night’s meeting. I was pretty stunned at the love in that room. Poor old H1 and H2 were a bit embarrassed ( H2 said “that was AWKWARD”) but also heartened and inspired, lifted up by all that love and encouragement. And also the knowledge that other people have been where they are – people who are not poor, who are not brown. People who’ve done it, and they can do it too. People who assured them that this is the first steps to their new life. A life without violence, a life where they get to love themselves, and choose who shares that life with them, reinforced by more knowledge about what’s possible, and what it means to be safe, in all senses of the word.

The people who came to the meeting offered a range of skills, which they may not be aware they have. At the moment, we’re all feeling things out. What needs doing, and what does not. What works, and what does not. And as Christina said, if something doesn’t work, we just need to tweak it.

These were also people who are very brave – none more so than H1 and H2 who were pretty anxious about the whole thing. Having said that, I felt it was important that those who want to be Aunties have more than a passing connection with people they are helping. So that you can see that this is not a thankless effort, that people are being touched and affected, by what we are doing. That connections being made is about reciprocity, about understanding that this is not a one way street. Being so involved with the Refuge, for me, has helped me in more ways than I have helped them, to be sure.

To ensure those connections hold, and are strengthened, Christina and I want to make the meetings a monthly thing.

The first mentoring sessions – for women who have left Refuge – are on the 20th and 27th of February.  Two weeks afterwards, we will have the next Aunties meeting. I hope you can be there, and add your voice to the growing army of us who seek to speak for these women and children at a time when they cannot speak for themselves.

M’s story.

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When I published the other womens’ stories, stories in my own voice, M was really disappointed not to have had the opportunity and said she would like to write something for you all to read. To impress upon you why the Refuge is so important, and to give voice to those you are all helping. 

She wrote it a while ago, and I only just read it this morning. Sitting next to her, at the dining table at the Refuge, I cried for her. And she cried for herself. “I know” she said to me. “It’s ugly”. We read it side by side, and hugged each other. This may not affect you as personally because you don’t know her, but I want you to hear her voice. It’s an important one.

So here it is. M’s story, or at least a small part of it. In her own words. (And I didn’t pay her to write the final paragraph…..).

 

Hello to everyone,
 
I am writing about my story from a woman that has been scared, treated like a slave, all my self esteem taken away from, beaten till I was black and blue, but also out of all the terrible things that have happened to me, I still have lots of love.  Sometimes I use dto think, why me and my  5 children, but someone said to me one day and recently, when is it going to stop?  So I had the courage to leave and came to the Refuge.  
 
I was scared and very unsure what I was doing but in time I got to know the women and started to open myself and started to trust in people that wanted to trust me.  It actually hit me more when there was other stories at the refuge, and I realised I wasn’t alone in this big wide world of ours and we surely take things for granted.  I am healing and still hurting inside but in time I hope, no I know, I will over come this.  Without the help and support of the wonderful Women’s Refuge and the support of the public, I wouldn’t think we would be survivors today.  I also would like to thank  the women that are in the same situation’s as I. Because of the night talks and crying we all share, I have made platforms of strengths that encourage me to say, “I am superwoman.”
 
I also would like to thank my superwoman and angel, Jackie.  I can’t go a day without thinking about this lovely soul.  I feel so blessed and fortunate to know and have this wonderful person in my life.  She has guts and this personality that in time I will have.  She shows strength like she can kung fu you and man you mess with her, look out…..hahahhaha and she has a dog to prove it.  She works so hard and I want to be like her.
 

Everybody has a story

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It occurs to me that many of you are helping the women at the Refuge but you don’t really know much about who you’re helping. And the cast of characters changes with some regularity. So I thought I’d tell you a bit about some of the women in Refuge at the moment. I have their full permission (the phone was passed around to each one).
Four of the mothers originally gave permission for me to share some of their story, but one has decided she’d rather not – M was out this evening and H1’s story is not one that I can tell.

I honour their trust in me.

H2 has had problems with drugs and alcohol. She and her 3 kids left her partner a few months ago – she says they can’t seem to be in the same room as each other without fighting. (According to Chris, he is very violent, and H2 has gone back and forth in the past.) She takes the kids round there in the weekends, and he’s not violent to her at the moment (she gets in and out quickly) but she doesn’t let him know where the Refuge is. She’s getting her life back on track – she told me about a course she’s doing that is giving her strategies for staying sober – and I know that having such a great Xmas has buoyed her up. I have noticed that KA, her older daughter,  and her son L have gained a lot of confidence. When I first met them, they wouldn’t speak and were very shy. Now, they are full of chatter and laughter, like their younger sister TP.

C’s husband is in prison awaiting his trial. He stands accused of raping his daughter, K. C wanted to get out of the house while he was in prison, and get her 6 children to safety. She has a son in prison, and his girlfriend M is staying with them – M is K’s best friend; her major supporter; and stalwart companion. The girls stick together very closely. They both want to work in retail, and they both want to sit their drivers licences. At the moment, they rarely leave the Refuge.  C is adjusting to starting a new life, albeit a peaceful one. None of her family, apart from a nephew in Christchurch, know where they all are, including one of her daughters who chose not to go into refuge with them. C is a writer. Has, in fact, started writing about everything that has happened. She is a gentle woman and very confused about what has happened. I know it will take her a long time to understand everything.

 

A has lived in the Refuge for almost a year. She was pregnant with her youngest child when she arrived – I was first made aware of her in April and, in fact, A is where this all started. Because she arrived with nothing, and had no support, Christina was anxious to get her sorted before the baby came. J is now 6 months old. and A has two other small kids. B is 3, and a real character – addicted to shoes, and pretty things. W is almost 2, and a real charmer. He enjoys being naked. A awaits the Immigration Department’s ruling on whether she gets to stay in NZ – she’ll hear about that at the end of this month. Because she’s not a NZ resident, the Refuge has been emotionally and financially supporting her since she came to them.

All of these women have stories that need to be heard, and their voices are most often not. They are poor, brown, and women – three strikes against them – and are the object of much judgement and misunderstanding. I sit and talk with them at length, and understand that they are incredibly brave, and extraordinarily resourceful when given the chance. It’s just that no-one gives them the chance, until they get to Refuge.

I hope that you now understand why I do what I do. Working for these women, and advocating for them, is a natural extension of my teaching work, and it’s something I want to look into doing a bit more in the next few years.

I also hope that their stories inspire you to help them, to get amongst it. I find knowing them really rewarding, and I know you would, too.