Making meaning out of loss.

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A lot of my work is fairly pragmatic. Meeting people, meeting needs. Getting stuff for the women, for the people I work for, and with.  But the most important work is the stuff that can’t be quantified. It’s work that relies solely on hearts connecting, making meaning out of pain, loss, grief.

Today I had the privilege of meeting two people in pain, and helping them to transform that pain into love.

K and G, their child had died. K had contacted me, to offer their precious love’s toys, books, and other things that small children have lots of. We agreed to meet and I would bring M, to whom the treasure would be going.

We spoke of A, of who he was. We talked of grief, and pain. What that looked like. I told them about the Aunties – everything. How it started, where it is now, about me, and my journey. We held hands, we touched. M spoke her truth to K,  as K had spoken hers to us. Had opened up to us, and shared her A with us so generously.

After a couple of hours, our meeting ended. The stuff was transferred from one car to another, and we hugged farewell. We’ll stay in touch, because that’s what hearts do when they connect.

M and I took the stuff back to her house, and unloaded it, ready to go to it’s new home. And we talked about what had taken place. I’ll leave the rest up to M, to explain how it all felt for her, and what it meant to her.

M: “I think the main thing for today is just that feeling of being lucky. Feeling lucky to be a part of something bigger than what I thought it was. Not just changing lives, not just giving. It’s the other stuff. It’s that being worth it eh? Showing others that they’re worth it.  But watching a lady who’s already gone through a lot of stuff open up to strangers, and possibly walking away from it feeling a lot better than what she felt when she was packing those things away the other day. She talked about that, and that touched a nerve for me. Another little child is going to play with those toys the way he played with them, with absolute joy and….I’m just looking at it, and I’m thinking – holy crap! It reinforces that good people are out there, especially when there’s been so much bad that’s happened to you. You see some good things? You start to revitalise that hope. Such a beautiful feeling.  Taking a bad situation and turning it around. Not a bad situation but a grief. All that pain. And I know that she’s definitely in a different space, from her own giving. Pass it on, I reckon.”

Yeah, M. We just keeping passing it on. Love, beauty, and our hearts. Hope lives.

 

A trip to Butterfly Creek

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And so it dawned – the day of our refuge trip to Butterfly Creek. A trip that everyone was looking forward to, with great excitement, and that many of you made possible with your generous donations.

I arrived at the refuge at about 9am. And everyone was up and ready to go. We weren’t leaving till 10 so there was a lot of anticipation obviously. Women who live in the other refuge arrived, kids and the correct number of carseats were gathered, and off we went. Some of the women in their own cars, some in the refuge van.

When we arrived at Butterfly Creek, I was going to take a photo of all the kids – 16 of them – in front of the dinosaur at the entrance, but they were all moving far too fast! They really were so excited. One of the boys said to me: I’ve never been here before? Are there real dinosaurs?  And baby J wasn’t too sure about that dinosaur, anyway, so I thought better of it. When we got inside, the kids were ready to race off, but a head count had to be done, and the money paid. That all took a little while.

And then. And then. We really WERE off. Through the fish, into the butterfly  room. One landed on Z, and such a sweet gentle boy he is, he said to me: Aunty J, look! Look! It loves me!

There was a peremptory stop to look at the crocodiles, and all of the children wanted to know if they were real. S said to me – If it’s real, can it climb the walls?  I assured her it wasn’t climbing any walls, it was just basking, and waiting for food.

The bugs? Anyone interested in the bugs? The cockroaches were popular, and the women laughed that they had bigger ones in their own homes….and the axolotl held fascination for many of the kids, and adults alike.  “Look, I’m taking a selfie with the spider” said K.

It was the dinosaurs who were the biggest drawcard, really. D (4) had told me at the refuge that he was going to be a dinosaur today but he wasn’t sure which one, he’d see how he felt. Fair enough too. Once again – “Are they real, Jackie?” Well I don’t think so, but I hope not! They were very large, with horrid big teeth…..

Two of the girls and I found ourselves in a mask making workshop. We sat down and the girls got going on butterfly masks. One of them said to me that she wants to be an artist when she grows up, her cousin said “I think I probably do too”. So I told them about all of you, and how some of you were artists, and that if you found out they needed art supplies, that you would send some to them. “ARE YOU LYING?” S said. “No.” said her cousin. “Jackie doesn’t lie”. And with that vote of confidence I took down a list of art supplies the girls said they’d like. “It calms me down when I’m frustrated, or when there’s yelling at home” they told me. Art as therapy? I think we can do that.

We had booked the train especially because there were so many of us, and it was waiting for us all at 11.30.  The younger children’s faces lit up, as the train driver TOOT TOOTed for us to hop on. D held his little sister’s hand and said – you mustn’t go on the train tracks, M.

Everyone was VERY hungry after that – and agreed that we should retire inside and settle down. Piles of chips, fish, hot dogs, steak, burgers….yes, we were all very hungry. And then, as if they knew we were going soon, a dinosaur came wandering, found us, and let the children pat it, and Z said to me – I told you they were real. Indeed.

I wanted you all to be there, but you couldn’t be. I want you all to see the photos I took of the kids faces,  but you can’t. What I can share with you is just this: when you put $20 in our account for this trip, you would have maybe hoped it helped to give some kids some joy. So I want you to know that it gave 16 kids the time of their lives. They didn’t stop talking, they didn’t stop smiling, and they were very happy – all cares forgotten – for 3 hours. That’s something to hold on to. Thank you. From all of our hearts, to all of yours .

 

 

 

A debt of love and gratitude

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At the end of every year, I do a blog thanking everyone who’s helped us out during the year – the donors of money and clothes, the people who’ve helped with Refuge Xmas, the people who support me and keep me going. The Uber Aunties. The people who go above and beyond, who are hugely invested with this work that  you and I do.

I’m doing this one today, however, because I think it’s called for. Social media is a really piecemeal way of raising awareness and funds. I’ve said this many times before. People may share your posts, retweet, whatever they do, and that’s called reach. What reach doesn’t do, however, is always connect your work to the people who will give, who will invest in the women, with money, in particular. I know that some businesses see twitter and FB as this magic thing – it’s not. Believe me.  It does, indeed, give you reach. But it doesn’t do the work for you. You still have to do that. You still have to put in the time and effort to initiate and maintain relationships. And that’s what this is all about. It bears repeating: to build any sort of sustainability, you need a good base of support. And you build that support over years of relationship, by putting the hard yards – and lots of hugs – in.

Twitter is the core of the Aunties work. It’s where it started, it’s where all my Uber Aunties come from. People who became really invested in this work, in the women. Some are regular and generous donors of time and money, some are on the Aunties Board (all of them met via Twitter), and some send me messages of support. Email me to tell me their stories. Have become friends and allies. Stand up for me when somebody’s being a dick (which doesn’t happen very often, I have to say).

And Facebook has just opened up the Auntie’s world. We now recieve the majority of our donations using that page, and I have met so many wonderful people. Some will give once, and some give all the time. It doesn’t matter, really. It all helps. It is all about relationship. I believe it’s called “casting the net widely”.

So where is this all leading? To gratitude.

In the middle of last week, I had a really unpleasant exchange with this guy. All because I tweeted something he found offensive. And so he said something about foul mouthed people and their morals, and that I was likely laundering the Aunties money. Which I find so offensive. The very idea of it makes me feel sick, that anyone would believe anything like that. So I let him know that I don’t get paid, as yet, for this work. And then he came back with a smart comment, making a joke of homeless people. So I let rip, and then I blocked him, and had another few smart comments to say, and that was it for me.

However, the good citizens of Twitter hadn’t finished with him, and stuck up for me. Hurrah! But even better, they flocked to put money on the Givealittle page. Which was somewhat astonishing. I found it hilarious. And it kept me chuckling for a good long while (until the givealittle people rang me and told me that people were saying fuck on the GAL page, and it wasn’t cool).  And more than that, over $3000 was donated. Which is, quite frankly, OUTRAGEOUS. Now, that was good enough. That was more than good enough. But I know that that payment won’t come into the Aunties bank account till the 20th of this month, and Kris wants to take the kids and women on a trip to Butterfly Creek, so I knew that to do that, I would actually have to raise some MORE money, but this time have it put in the bank account so it was directly accessible.

Onto FB I went, with my begging letter. I hate doing it. It’s the worst part of this job, it really really is. But it needed to be done if the trip was to happen, and the expenses for the next few weeks were to be paid. So I did that. And once again, it happened. This time, $1500 where it needed to be.

And so to the point of this blog post. I have a huge amount of gratitude and love for you all anyway. I am enabled to do what I love most in the world because you keep the stuff, the money, and the support flowing in. But I am truly in your debt for the actions of the last few days. Truly. The financial side of this is always a bit of a balancing act – if it were up to me the girls in the refuge would have what they wanted, when they wanted it. There are a couple of people who keep me real on the need not to do that, and go overboard, and there’s also not ever enough money to do that. Because everything that comes in, comes from you. The Aunties. That’s your job, but if you didn’t do it, I would be up the creek without a paddle. I’d be trying to paddle with my hands, and the canoe would be slowly sinking. Not to put too fine a point on that particular metaphor. We don’t get funding or grants, as yet, for anything. And I also happen to think that the being able to donate directly to the women is a really big reason that people feel engaged with the work. Feel connected to the women.

So thank you. Thank you to: Richie, Jessica, Patrice, Anastasia, Morgan, Liz, Katrina, Rosie, Grace, Courtney, Eleanor, Stuart, Ruth, Suzanne, Lee, Heath, Nicola, AJ, Chrissie, Sarah, Anthea, Jane, Anne, Josh, Matt, Katie, Sam, Julia, Kris, Bryan, Gary, Jacinta, Alex, Hannah, Bronwen, Kelly, Kerry, Iris, Cathy, Andrew, Brenda, Linda, Sonia, Amanda, Julie, Emma, Claire, Jen, Carolyn, Kerry, Janet, Karlo, Rachel and Dan, and Jenni. To all the people from FB whose names I don’t know – sorry! And thank you so much.

Thank you for your love, support, and caring. Thank you for your faith, and trust, in me, Thank you for your belief in this work, and your commitment to people you will likely never meet. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. This was a mid year miracle that needed to happen – you have no idea how much of a boost it gave the coffers but also how much it boosted me. I’m lucky – every day I get to see good people doing good things. But in the last few days, what you all did was extraordinary. I hope you know how much it means. And if I ever meet you, if I haven’t already, I will be, if you’re okay with it, be giving you a really big hug (and crying, I do crying really well).

If you put money in the bank account, and would like a receipt please email our treasurer, Elaine, at elaine.j@slingshot.co.nz and she will do that for you.

Once again. Thank you. I love your work.

What the Aunties did. May Edition

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An update, and an apology from Auntie Michele.

Part of my job as Aunties Chair is to keep you all updated with what has been achieved each month but I’ve been swanning about on the other side of the world for a bit and have missed officially reporting back for a few weeks. Auntie Jackie, who is made of superhero stuff, has done a grand job of keeping in touch with everyone and just generally “doing the do” but she doesn’t sufficiently blow her own trumpet so here’s a list of the good things accomplished. And please – after you’ve read this have a look at Jackie’s post of the goals we have as we look forward into June. That’s here

 

The biggest thing was that Jackie had her birthday in May, but it was everyone else who got the presents! Jackie made it her birthday wish to raise money for a car for one of the women who has been in long term contact with the Aunties and, thanks to you all, $5000 was raised which is incredible. In fact, we raised more money than was needed so we asked some of the donors if they would mind us using the leftover money on other things, and they said yes. When you earmark a donation for something specific, we will always make sure that it gets spent on that thing, or else ask for your personal permission to put it towards another need.

 

A woman and her two teenagers were spirited away from a violent home and arrived at refuge with nothing but the clothes they were wearing, so we put an urgent call out for clothes and people responded enthusiastically – Jackie took eight large bags of good quality clothing to the refuge for them, and some of the other women were also able to get things they needed. Pickups were done by the teenage son of one of our Aunties – he’d got himself into a minor bit of bother and needed to do some community service so we were thrilled to be able to help his whanau by getting him to help Jackie.

One of the women who has moved to another city recently has gotten involved in the local community gardens so we are paying her yearly membership fee so that she always has heaps of fresh veggies to hand.

Auntie Mel has organised our big storage unit so it is almost like a shop – women visit and choose the things they need for themselves and their kids. Some of them find this overwhelming – the idea that they Have What They Need is a new experience for many. It often makes them emotional and, to be honest, we all get a bit emotional at board meetings with Auntie Jackie tells us these stories.

 

One of the women who has left the refuge some time ago has moved to another city so we sent her off with bedding and linen, and also put her in touch with good people who will support her there. We’ve also found good contacts for another long time Auntie’s friend in a different city – some help with school runs, friendship, and suggestions for a church she can go to.

 

We’ve connected with a woman who, as well as raising six sons and doing her Master’s degree also has breast cancer. She still deals with abuse from her ex-husband who recently broke into her house and stole money. We helped out with food, petrol and phone credit vouchers to tide her over. We plan to stay in touch with her and will offer her meals after her breast reconstruction surgery. A couple of Aunties have already given her lingerie vouchers so she can buy new bras when the time comes.

 

Auntie Jackie attended a CYFS meeting with one of the women and advocated for her and her kids with really positive results. And there were cooking classes at the refuge – another way of helping women feel good about their ability to take care of themselves and their families.

 

We’re about roses as well as bread – so in the “roses” category, Auntie Jackie took one of the women to the Auckland Writers Festival – she loved it, and we’re keen to keep taking women to see cultural events that inspire them and make them feel part of the world again after they leave refuge.

 

And more roses  – literally – we’ve found someone who is keen to help Dorothy with the garden at the refuge so once all the necessary safety checks are done, there should be some more pruning and planting on the way so there’s something beautiful to look at out the window.

 

That was May – now go have a look at what we hope to do in June. And thank you, as always, for helping us meet needs with aroha.