A Tale of Two Women.

This last week has been one of great highs and terrible lows for women in my life who have lived through domestic violence.
The satisfaction of finding a life where the ex isn’t likely to find you.
The terror of the ex who drags you through litigation to smash you down, and keep you there.
Two women.
Two stories.
One lives in the refuge.
One does not.
Both are wonderful humans, terrific mums, loving friends.
One is penalised for having to move so many times to escape unwanted contact with her ex.
One is penalised for speaking up, and whenever her ex is hurting, he makes her hurt worse.
One is a professional.
One has had to constantly leave jobs to stay one step ahead of the violence.
Both are deeply and profoundly wounded by what has happened, and is happening, to them. Just trying to function, raise their kids, be good people.

Thwarted. Constantly.

They are tired.

Weary of other people stopping them from moving, not just forward, but anywhere.

Abuse, and violence, don’t stop until HE stops.

Make it stop.

What’s Needed At The Moment!

As this whole bizzo has expanded, so have the variety of things we are supplying to the people I now have a working relationship/association with. Please read the list and see if there’s anything you can supply. If not, maybe you’d like to make a donation to our givealittle? The link is at the end of this post.

NZPC (New Zealand Prostitute’s Collective) 

  • Pouch yoghurts – I’m going to buy them a few dozen of these regularly. They keep them in the fridge to give to clients who are strung out on drugs. It’s the only thing they can eat, so Annah makes sure there’s a good supply. You can help me with this by giving a few dollars (or more) to the givealittle.
  • Pads/tampons – once again, I’ll be buying them regular supplies. It’s better to buy these in bulk so once again, this is a money thing.
  • stationery vouchers – many of the NZPC clients have kids, of course – stationery vouchers would be one more expense they don’t have to worry about – I will be buying some so you can contribute to the givealittle OR you can buy one or two and send them to the Aunties PO Box (as with the givealittle, the address will be at the end of this post).
  • Clothes – all sizes – they have sexual health clinics every Thursday and they have a great many clients attending. The clothes I have previously taken them have all gone, so we need more. In particular…. dresses and skirts  – all sizes, tight, hugging, suitable for sex work. We have drop off points now in New Lynn, Waitakere, in town, to me at my home, Pakuranga, Torbay, Warkworth, Greenhithe and Onehunga. Please contact me if you need those addresses. My email address is whaeapower@aunties.co.nz
  • Big shoes (sizes 9-12) – many of the trans women in particular have larger feet, and have a really hard time finding suitable shoes. High heels, sandals, wedges, court shoes.
  • Hotel toiletries – the staff make up packs for their clients who sleep rough, or are currently homeless. We don’t need these for the refuge so get collecting for the NZPC!
  • A bench top oven – if you have one of these you don’t need anymore, Annah and the staff would appreciate one. They have very limited kitchen space. I can buy one but we are pretty stretched at the moment, so I’d prefer if someone could give us one.

Rainbow Youth

These lovely humans need some clothes racks – just a couple. Does anyone have some or one they don’t use anymore, that’s in good nick? Please contact me! Otherwise I will buy them a couple.

The refuge (s)

I really really really need large men’s clothes. Like, desperately! These are for the Whãnau house that Te Whãnau Rangimarie runs.

And for specific women:

Boy:
long pants/trackies size 14-16
jumpers – size 14
black runners – size 5 kids
gumboots – size 5
windbreaker/navy blue size 14 -16

Boy:
long pants/trackies – size 4
runners size – 11 kids
singlets – size 3-4

Boy:
long pants
singlets – size 2-3

Girl:
singlets – size 7-8
tights – size 8
runners – size 3 kids

haircutting clippers set
a light coloured thin Lizzy

If you have any of these items, please contact me at the email address above. Or you can pop a few dollars here –  http://www.givealittle.co.nz/cause/kapawhaea

If you would like to send me anything, our postal address is:

The Aunties

PO Box 76638

Manukau

Auckland 2241

Thank you so much.

Jackie

 

A love letter to my abuser

Today I was a bitch,

I was stupid.

A waste of space.

An idiot,

Bad.

A witch,

Horrible.

Insane.

Fat.

Ugly

I was a bad mother.

You combined some of them to call me a fucking stupid bitch. Idiot.

That you are going to have my children taken off me. Incapable insane whore.

You are so clever, your mind is sharper than mine after all the hours of broken sleep and breastfeeding your children.

After I  juggle jobs and childcare. You are cleverer than me.

After I clothe your children and kiss their boo boo you are cleverer than me.

After I get up early, again, a second job to pay the bills. You are cleverer than me.

After I wait in queues and fight for assistance.. You are cleverer than me.

After I parent for 24/7 when you refuse to come pick them up for weeks, you are cleverer than me.

You have used the courts as a new weapon and your words as a control. You are cleverer than me.

You’ve silenced me,  and I’m tired.

images

So this is my Love letter to you, my abuser.

The only name I can call you.

Because these days that you back me into the corner and pummel me with words and hit me with insults and try and cut me to the core with your barbs until I just don’t think I can go on any further,  these days when I have no tears left so that I wish you would go back to just abusing me with your hands instead of your words because at least then you stopped, these are the days that I howl into the night and cry out to my sisters in whispered message boards and I am remembered…

That I am a deeply  loved and loving mother.

That I am a smart, valued, wise, and kind,

That I AM good,

That I’m sane, healthy,

A beautiful woman.  

I am a wonderwoman.

And it might just be enough…

From the writer – wonderwoman

I have written this after a day of unrelenting insults and disgusting words that have got me so down. So low. After weeks of failing to pick up his children and childcare arrangements and beginning of year school costs and all those stresses that get the average functioning family down.

But these men; that hold esteemed positions in our community, that you know, that you admire. They use their brains and their contacts, their resources of courts and systems and privilege as their new weapons. The other men around them continue to hold them up to, even if they know. They use the fact that they are “too important “ for anyone to criticise.

This man learnt instantly he was not allowed to put me in hospital, I gave him no second chances yet he still put me there more than once, and finally the police agreed it was enough so now he does it in other ways.

Yet sometimes when I am especially low and fragile I wish for that over this, because at least then it is short sharp and over (I apologise to other women that have suffered ongoing physical violence that would of course disagree). But for me, and so many others this is torture. Emotional, verbal abuse and threats that just keep coming, The NZ courts system can or will do nothing, and they often add another layer by silencing or imposing a gag order so the abuser can legally and freely continue to abuse with the permission of the courts.  

It is a life time sentence.

Somedays I feel strong and I want to shout it from the rooftops but I am not allowed. I am silenced. Somedays it is all too much and I really don’t think i can make it through.

Today I am tired of it all.

A Day Spent Auntying With The Aunty-In-Charge

Yesterday was a big donations pick up day. I asked a friend, Blair, if he would come and help me. And then I asked him if he’d write about it, in an effort to make other people maybe think about doing it too. These are his words (and I didn’t pay him, I promise).

Jackie Clark is technically the liaison, advocate and founder of The Aunties but really, she is just a force of nature with a mind like a steel trap, a huge heart and the irrepressible gift of the gab. She is also great company so when she indicated she was doing a charity goods pickup, I offered to help. Not out of a sense of obligation but because I knew we’d have fun.

Jackie has a little car and I have a larger wagon so I became the driver. My first pick up was Jackie, and then we were off! Eight pickups across greater Auckland. Jackie had another prized possession firmly in her left hand, a new phone, and she immediately put it to good use activating the GPS navigator. The car was filled with banter as the three of us chatted, organised and directed. Two human voices were competing for airspace with a bossy electronic third that repeatedly ordered us to; ‘Take the first exit at the roundabout’. Jackie soothed and gently mollified the digital harridan as you would a toddler having a tantrum while she simultaneously provided firm directional hand signals to the other, slightly flustered, human occupant. We reach our first destination.

It was clear from the onset that Jackie had prepared the groundwork. Precise instructions on what was acceptable had been delivered and received. Bags were waiting at doors, neatly organised and their contents labelled. These specific instructions were reiterated along with hugs and kisses with the donor. I was offered a welcome coffee and so began a pattern for the day; The items were quickly and efficiently packed into the car within a minute, a beverage offered and a conversation started.

I listened with fascination as interesting people talked on a variety of topics with passion and flair. Jackie can talk and does so but she is also a wonderful listener and responded ably and knowledgeably to whatever topic was under discussion. A wide scope of topics was covered and the way of things dissected with gusto. I listened and learned. I drank my coffee. There was always time before leaving for Jackie to engage with the children, admire a treasured pet/home/piece of art/panoramic view and cuddle a child, pet or both. Less than an hour at each stop would have just been rude!

The playful driving conversational tri-play would then continue as we entered unexplored parts of West Auckland. More pick ups were completed, more lovely people met for the first time. More hugs from Jackie as we left and hand shakes proffered to me. The wagon was filling and so was my bladder after the diuretic effects of multiple cups of coffee. Jackie showed her experience at each stage by declining the offer. Still, tummies were grumbling and it was time to eat.

Three more pickups in the afternoon and we were done. There was no more space in the wagon. It was time to head for home.

The wagon was unpacked into a storage locker. Jackie thanked me again and impressed on me that she wouldn’t have been able to do it without me. I doubt that, having had some insight into her determination and resourcefulness, but I was happy to help and quite honestly, I got more out of helping than she would know. It really was a fun day and it flew by.

People were extraordinarily generous with their donations, time and company. They, for the most part, assiduously followed packing instructions and we were always welcomed in. While we shared plenty of laughs, like when we almost packed a donor’s refuse into the car or when a peacock was spotted posing like a weather-vain on a neighbour’s roof, what left the biggest impression of the day was the love on display. Love from the donors for the people of Auckland in need and love for Jackie and what she does. I was very proud to have helped today and so I’ve decided to help out again whenever Jackie needs me to… or did Jackie decide that… I’m slightly unclear. Anyway, it was great fun and such a rewarding experience.

Thank you Jackie, all the Aunties and the generous donors of Auckland. I had a blast.

Blair Mckinnon

@Mrblinkandmizit